I’ve
always had low self-esteem growing up. It was no big deal. I conquered it eventually.
I was no great beauty and had always been one of the boys. I was made fun of by
some in school, and I supposed I should be grateful for that because it had
hardened my shell. Who didn’t have it hard in school? I like watching high
school themed shows because it reflected how I once felt about myself. And the
heroine’s successes become my successes. No matter how beautiful you are or how
plain, how intelligent or not so intelligent, how sure or unsure – the earlier
years of life defines who you are to yourself. It stays with you until a
certain point when you decide to reinvent.
Life
is just that. There are a lot of opportunities for reinvention. In
my high school yearbook my photo caption says something about how I
constantly try to reinvent myself. So, I supposed that had been me. That was
how I was defined. I relentlessly formulate ways to transform. In the past I
indulge in makeovers because I thought it would work wonders to my confidence. But
now, I just do it for fun. At this point of my life, I think I have a very good
grasp of who I truly am.
Because I already know who I am, I put myself out there and asked people on
Facebook if they can define me in one word. Some words have actually taken
me by surprise. I always thought I was shy and uncomfortable around new people,
and yet I was described as gregarious. I always thought I was too scared to try
new things and yet adventurous, bold and fierce are in there. I don’t think I
inspire, but I say thanks to Laura (she is familyJ) who thinks so. My favorites
are warm and gentle soul. I thank you all – for showing me a side of me that I
do not see, the side where I present to you.
And so
I once again trek this road of redefinition. It is not for purpose of building
or rebuilding self-respect or all other things that would empower me as a
person. This is simply one of my many shifts. In my thirties I was defined as a
mother and a wife. Because that was the phase I became one. I married my
husband and became a mother at thirty two. And through that decade it was when
I was trying to live it and conquer it. I could never be an expert in being a
wife or in motherhood, but I lived it and I know it like I know what happens in
the moon at five o’clock – no idea!
I am still happily married, and my son is just an amazing ball of sweetness, kindness and humor. So I suppose to this point with that I am a success. Alleluia!
I am still happily married, and my son is just an amazing ball of sweetness, kindness and humor. So I suppose to this point with that I am a success. Alleluia!
I have
recently entered a new decade, and I thought about who I want to be during this
phase. I sure want to be a mother again at some point – and I leave that all to
God. But then what else – I want to be defined more about who I am, and not
because of other people in my life. I want to a student again, or my own person
again, as an individual that stands out, a writer, an actress, a teacher, an
artist, a mentor, a dancer. I want to liberate the creative monster within, and
unleash the power of fulfilling dreams I call mine.
This
is a process, and I am sure I will not have an idea who I am or what I have
become until this phase is over. But it’s the journey that makes reinvention
fun. It’s like trying out an orange
lipstick in Washington D.C. during winter. You just make sure that you know you are standing out – because at the
end of the day what matters is not what other people define you as ,what’s
truly important is how
you positively define yourself.
